In my words.
What matters doesn’t matter but it rips you to your core
makes you question every motive of everyone including yours
as you spiral down the dark dark path the eyes that don’t look stare
and underneath the blanket of judgement you feel so truly bare
you close the doors and the curtains, too push it all away
because you cannot be loved like this – not in such a state
so, you cancel appointments and meetings with friends
your life becomes small you think that this will mend
all the thoughts as they lessen as you extinguish the fire
to remove the external but the problems is higher
in here, in you, that’s where it exists but that just makes it worse as if you created this
the beast, the beast when it leaves oh the light, you are finally you again,
and your spunky and bright
and your thinking is bouncy and creative and clever
and you think, I won’t go back to that - I’ve learnt this time. NEVER
and you've learnt all these lessons - if your lucky like me
I come back with these treasures thinking this time “I’m free”
And then slowly, unnoticeably, trigger by trigger
The length of the thoughts that you cling on to get bigger
And then you cannot tell what is real, what is fake
Who it is you can trust and what’s best for your own sake
Then the cortisol kicks in anxiety’s triggered
You don’t want to eat but your tired – go figure
Because nothing makes sense when you live in your head
A perpetual wheel of starvation and dread
but you know when you’re out of it something that’s better will be given to you and you’ll have it forever
Those treasures – those treasures you can give them to others,
so that they understand that they can indeed recover.
Write stuff down, make a note, look for patterns, try to joke
Because you have it forever – so be its friend and stay woke
But most of all don’t give up, don’t give in, get some help with this,
No research can evolve if we try to dismiss
What is clearly a part of us, hard as that seems
It does not have to take your life or stamp on your dreams.
And I know soon I may not feel like this, so I’ll keep this poem to remember
how capable I am when times get tough and I feel tender
When you forget your worth, when you think that you don’t matter
Remember it’s not you it’s the result of mental chatter
Its inside your head, and soon it will leave
Might take weeks, might take months but it will, and your patience is key.
You are not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not you.
There’s a lot to be learnt if you are willing to.
Educate yourself on yourself you’re your biggest investment
treat the people you Love with respect – they’re your weapons
don’t be scared you’ll come back – every time you’ll survive
be as kind as you can, and you’ll become more alive.
They say humility is hard but when you’ve learnt it, you’re set free
And I think this is something to work on if you struggle mentally
“humility is not thinking less of your self its about thinking of yourself less”
Selfless, self-less, less self, do you see?
Its hard to grasp that term in its total purity.
so, I’ll say this, look outward, move outward, try not to hide, but choose
people who know what you go through
people you trust to let you be you
especially through the tough times, no opinions, no rescue
Just a little understanding as you await your remission.